No longer a student, not yet a midwife

So here I am - stuck in that place in between being a student and being a midwife. I have a job but I can't start until my pin comes through, my CRB check is complete and my references are done. Yet I am also no longer a student. 

It's an odd feeling to be truthful. Everything feels a little surreal - I am waiting for someone to tell me it's all a joke, of course I can't be a midwife, I don't know anywhere near enough yet. I know more than I think I do of course, and yet at the same time far less than I will need to know. I am aware that the coming months will be hard work...as hard as it was when I first started my training, if not harder. When I first commenced my training, I used to finish each day of placement with a horrendous headache because of the high level of concentration needed. As I will no longer have that safety net of a mentor, I will return to that high level of concentration, in an effort to ensure that I remember to do all that I need to do. I will probably check and check again, feel unsure and uncertain, unused to being able to make my own decisions despite the fact that I have been doing just that for months. I am predicting exhaustion, tears, headaches but at the same time I am expecting shifts where I come home and realise that I did a good job, that I got it right, that I was an advocate for women, that it's all starting to make sense. Gradually I hope that my confidence and experience will grow and the good shifts outweigh the bad. 

I am naturally nervous. Being a midwife isn't like starting a new job somewhere else. You really do hold lives in your hands. You want to provide a good service to the families in your care, and ensure that their experience is a positive one whether it is on the labour ward, in clinic or on the ward. What a midwife does matters, it really matters. It matters to me anyway and I have no doubt it matters to the women and families. 

I am now trying to enjoy this time out...spending time with family and friends; having a real break before the next step on my journey to truly becoming a midwife. I am almost able to say "I am a midwife"....and yet that still feels just round the corner.......

I did it!

Last week I was given the classification for my degree and I am very proud to tell you that I achieved a 2:1. We're now into the final pieces of paperwork and sometime next month (hopefully) I'll get my pin and be a fully qualified midwife. This month I shall attend an interview for a job and I know I've got my fingers and toes crossed that I'll get it.

It's an odd feeling right now. I'm exhilarated and slightly scared. I am scared of no longer having that mentor looking over me and ensuring that I'm doing things correctly. Yet at the same time I am looking forward to working independently, taking all that I have learnt from my various mentors over the past three years and developing my own practice.

I am proud to be able to say that I've made it. I have managed the demands of academic life, placement and family life. Once a long time ago, I began a journey to be a teacher and over half way through the course, I failed a major assignment and dropped out. At that point I thought I had given up the chance of ever getting a degree. I had no idea what I'd do with my life and didn't really think I'd ever make anything of myself. However I feel that I have also never really given up. I have always forged forward with the belief that there is something better out there for me; that I could do more.

I am not the greatest student, I wouldn't consider myself particularly academic. When I was doing my teaching course, I averaged very low marks, scraping through each assignment. My assignments as a student midwife, have been varied....some I've got it right and others I've not done so well at. I have taken something from each experience. I have literally taken it one day at a time, one challenge at a time...never daring to think beyond being a student and simply doing my best. I also could not have done it without the amazing support of my husband who always believed in me and my family's never ending support.

At the moment I am making the most of a little time off.....spending time with my children, seeing friends that I've woefully neglected over the past three years, spending time with family, catching up on my knitting and spending time preparing for Twirling Nationals with my daughters' twirling group (if you are interested you can follow them here http://distinctiontwirlersofmedway.blogspot.co.uk/2013/04/happy-easter.html ).

It's been a long journey and in so many ways, this is just the first step on the next part of the trip. I shall aim to continue to tell you all what it is like to be a newly qualified midwife. I am looking forward to taking that step but for now I shall enjoy spending time being me.

TV programs

At the moment there are numerous tv programs, both reality and fictional, that are showing midwifery or birth stories. Many of them irritate me for their inability to get things right.

For example last week in Casualty, which I have watched since I was a teenager, one of the characters was supporting her husband in hospital when she felt a pain in her stomach and worried that there was something wrong with her baby. The nurse laid her hand on the woman's stomach and reassured her "there is nothing wrong with the baby, you are in labour". I mean seriously....one contraction....yes that's how we diagnose labour these days. I can accept that there are some inaccuracies that don't matter to the public but surely most people know that labour is not diagnosed after one contraction. Then, because it's Casualty, they kept her in A and E rather than send her to maternity and they didn't even call for a midwife. It was ridiculous from the word go and it didn't get any better. When the fetal heart was at 90bpm, they merely called for the A and E consultant to deliver her and then called for a Special Care Anaesthetist when the baby needed resus. Pfft.. A small bit of research and this could have been handled so much better.

So then let me move onto Neighbours....now don't judge my choice of programs....I know it's rubbish but that's partly why I watch it! Like Casualty I have watched it for a long time and I'm not ready to stop yet. It's what I call my "no need to think about it" tv. Anyway they have had an ongoing storyline about two women who are pregnant, Sonia and Vanessa. Sonia has been planning a home birth, with the support of a doula. When her labour begins, her partner Toadie, panics constantly and tries to convince her to go to hospital constantly. When her waters break, she requires an urgent transfer to hospital and whilst it hasn't been aired yet, we know from the advert that following delivery Sonia is going to have some kind of collapse. When Vanessa goes into labour, she is declined the epidural at 8cms because it's too late to have one and then we see her being condescendingly praised whilst being encouraged to push her baby out a short while later. So now we know where the producers of Neighbours stand on the idea of home birth?

Why can these producers/directors or whoever is responsible, not just do some research into what is accurate and believable? It surely can't be that difficult. Anyone who has worked on a delivery suite knows how dramatic it can get. It already is a life and death situation and we don't need to make up details. There are also the beautiful labour and births that would make for wonderful viewing - we don't always need the drama! If all we ever see is things going wrong, then how can women believe it might just go right? Not every woman needs a hospital and doctors. Many many women could deliver their babies at home safely with the care of their midwife. Many women give birth in different positions to just lying on a bed. Many women never see a doctor throughout their pregnancy and labour. Most babies are born and require no resus at all.
Of course some women will need an obstetrician to lead their care and some women will require a hospital but it's not all women and this should be recognised in dramas and soaps. And it should not be seen to be unusual or weird but just one of the possible choices that women make.

I'd be happy to voice my opinion to any producer considering a birth story in their programme! Make it realistic.....that's all I ask!

Thinking towards the future

Yesterday the group ahead of ours graduated. Wow! Well done to all of them. However it does bring it home, that soon it will be us. Our lecturers are beginning to talk about job applications and portfolios and other paperwork that will need to be completed before we can qualify. In just a few weeks we will begin our final placement and we'll be aiming to get as much experience as we can whilst we are still students. I know I definitely feel like I still have so much to learn, and that there is no way I have enough time to learn it all. However I do feel that it is a bit like driving and passing your test. At first you know enough to pass...you've got the basics but you need experience to become more confident. You certainly can't know what you've never faced. I don't worry about it because I think it's far more dangerous to think you know it all. We are life long learners and it's important to remember that.

At times I still feel completely overwhelmed. If I think about my dissertation and assignment still to be written, my portfolio to complete, my genetics workbook to complete and everything else, I feel slightly ill. Therefore I try really hard to concentrate on one thing at a time. And that's just the academic side of things. This placement we also have to get all of our required deliveries and ensure we've got all our hours. I only need three more deliveries thankfully but I know that there are some of my cohort that need far more and they'll be pushing hard to get them now, so that they can qualify together with the rest of us.


In between studying and researching for my dissertation, I am spending quite a lot of time with my daughters Twirling group http://distinctiontwirlersofmedway.blogspot.co.uk/. I do think it is vital to have some time out from being a student midwife and for me, spending time with my family is essential. My eldest daughter has been twirling for just over a year now and my youngest joined her just a few months ago. Over the time they have been going, I have made some fantastic new friends and they too offer me support as a student. My eldest daughter used to be quite shy but her confidence has increased tenfold, through this hobby. This weekend, they both attended a competition and were both were fortunate enough to come home with trophies. A year ago I would never have thought it could be possible.


Recently I also helped at an open evening at my University. I really enjoyed seeing the potential students and their enthusiasm for midwifery. It reminded me of when I first started my journey to become a midwife and how excited I was. I am still excited about becoming a midwife and I look forward to my career and supporting women at such an important time of their lives. So when the amount of work to be done is getting me down, and overwhelmed, I just remind myself of why I set out on this journey and I battle on another day!

Working in the community

Before Christmas I was working in Community which I do love. I particularly like it when I see women before and after the birth of their baby, or to see women on their first day home and then to see them when they are being discharged. In both situations, I have witnessed many changes in the women. I have witnessed the nervous woman become a confident mother, and I have witnessed the confident professional become very unsure and lost when faced with a tiny helpless baby. Babies are certainly unpredictable and it doesn't matter how many books you read before they are born, you simply can't be fully prepared.

One of the most common questions to be asked as a Midwife is "is this normal?" - this might be during pregnancy or after the birth but it gets asked a lot. 99% of the time (a guess, I haven't sat and worked out a statistic)  I would say yes, that it is perfectly normal. Babies are born with their own personalities and all we can do is respond to their needs to the best of our abilities. In the early days this often means trying to guess at what they need...mentally going through the checklist - hungry? nappy needs changing? too hot or too cold? tired? It's all guess work really until you can begin to learn your baby's cues.

Frequently new mothers ask about how to get their baby to sleep in the moses basket/crib/cot...anywhere rather than lying on Mum. Don't worry I did the same myself, in fact I think I spent the first 2 years of my eldest's life wondering and worrying about how to get her to sleep anywhere but near or on me - she had to be in contact in some way, whether lying on me or just having a hand on me. Generally I advise new mothers to cuddle their babies...shocking I know...but the baby has spent 9 months inside Mum, able to hear her heart beating as a constant sound, and never before having experienced hunger, temperature, gravity and yet we expect babies to suddenly sleep by themselves. Birth is a shock to them and they need reassurance and comfort. I also advise trying putting something that smells of Mum in the crib, warming the crib with a hot water bottle (ensuring to remove it before baby goes in) so it's not suddenly cold on their back, giving baby to Dad to settle for sleep, a slumber bear if they can afford one but what works for one baby won't work for another, and sometimes what works one night won't work the next, and sometimes it feels that nothing works at all. It can simply be a case of give it time...it certainly was the case with my eldest daughter. My younger daughter was far easier - she'd sleep anywhere! I certainly don't believe it was anything I did that made her more likely to sleep, just that she was born with that kind of personality. So give it time, cuddle your baby, try these things by all means but I promise that at some point, your baby will be able to go to sleep by themselves. I have been on the receiving end of such advice and at the time it felt like useless advice, the tiredness was relentless, and that even one more night was one night too many but I hope it brings comfort to know that yes this is normal for many babies.


I seem to have wandered into the realms of sleepless nights and generic advice but it is something that new mums ask about so often that I feel it's worth discussion. Certainly I feel that the lack of sleep I endured when my children were younger has prepared me well for night shifts as a midwife. As a breastfeeding mother helper, helping to run the group, the women that came along would frequently ask for help with sleep and their babies. We live in a society where "sleeping through the night" appears to be main focus, the ultimate goal, particularly in the early days and then with some desperation as time goes by. However if were simply to accept that babies wake in the night for an indefinite period of time, is it not easier to cope with? That actually the norm is not for babies to sleep through the night, but for them to wake regularly to feed and that at times they will sleep for longer and other times they will wake more frequently, such as during growth spurts which again are normal. I know that I found it far easier to deal with my second child's nightly wakings because I was prepared for it. I was still exhausted at times, and I still complained about it but I didn't waste energy trying to fight it or find an answer to it. I tried things to see if it helped but I didn't worry if it didn't, I just recognised that she wasn't ready yet. However I did have the advantage of not working at that time, I wasn't yet a student either. My eldest spent mornings at nursery so I used that time to catch up a bit and rest.  I think we have a tendancy in this country to try and push ourselves back to normal as soon as possible and actually we'd do well to stop and learn about our babies, spend time with them, allow time to recover from the birth properly...focus on what's important...not on having a show home, or getting out and about as quickly as possible, make use of friends and family to help out if you can. This is of course all very idealistic and I do realise that but I can dream, at least when I'm allowed to sleep that is. At the very least I think this is useful advice for those very early days....stop, rest, recover and cuddle your baby.

Photos courtesy of Marie Donn Photography

Baby Loss Awareness Week

Today is the beginning of Baby Loss Awareness Week and tonight many women all over the world will be lighting candles to join in the Wave of Light, myself included. Will you join in?

Some time ago my friend Marie offered to write a guest post for me about baby loss and I didn't hesitate to accept. As often happens, life got busy and in the way, so it took some time to organise. However, both of us agreed that this week was the perfect timing and I think you'll agree that Marie offers some valuable advice to both students and qualified midwives alike. Thank you Marie x

How has this past week been for you? Has it been a normal week? Perhaps you were working long shifts in your local hospital, or you were on placement in the community. Maybe you were studying, or if you’re lucky you’ve been having a well-earned break.

I don’t know what all of you were doing, but I do know that about 120 of you last week were supporting someone who had lost a child to stillbirth or neonatal loss. And I know that 120 of you will be faced with doing this next week.

And then the same the week after.

And then the one after that.

Because as you may or may not already know, on average 17 babies older than 24 weeks’ gestation die every day in the UK, before or shortly after birth. As a midwife you absolutely will be dealing with these situations one day, repeatedly in most cases.

This week wasn’t a particularly out of the ordinary week, although you may well have seen more publicity about baby loss awareness recently. The campaign, for which I’m not a spokesperson may I say, brings together four UK charities that if you’re not aware of you could do worse than to have a read about: The Miscarriage Association, The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust, Antenatal Results and Choices, and Sands, the Stillbirth and neonatal death association.

Each of them publish guidelines and leaflets for health professionals as well as for those who are affected directly and indirectly by pregnancy and neonatal loss. Each of them offer support both for those affected and for you as healthcare professionals. I’ll even make it easy for you and link to some here, here and here.

Why do I care? Why should you care? And who am I anyway?

I’m Marie. I’m a 30-something mum from Essex, who wears either a personnel or photographer job hat depending on what day you find me – I’m certainly not in healthcare. I like cats and chocolate, but I try not to mix the two. I drive a little too fast sometimes, I bite my nails when I’m tired or bored, and I wish that Gok Wan made clothes for the shorter fatter people in society. My son died two years ago, before birth. I’m one of the women you might have met, or will meet one day.

So, when it’s ‘your’ week, what kind of midwife will you be for any of those 120 women, just like me?

Will you be the midwife who told me to ‘know my place’ in my first lost pregnancy, when I sat on the bed before she’d asked me to? Will you be the midwife who, in an open reception full of other pregnant women, asked me what SANDs did and what had happened, and didn’t know what the SANDs sticker on my notes meant? Will you be the midwife who assured me I would not be placed next to a labouring woman after my son died, but then couldn’t understand why I was traumatised when they did exactly that? Will you be the midwife who drew the curtains around my bed in HDU rather than have to watch me cry? Will you be the midwife who, after the scan to confirm my son had died, told me all about her children and large family? Will you be the midwife who dismissed my tears and told me off for raising my blood pressure without offering support to me?

And if you’re not a midwife, but you’re another healthcare professional, will you be the one who ignored my requests for pain medication and told me to keep the noise down so I didn’t upset others when I was labouring with my late miscarriage? Will you be the one who chatted about Christmas at the end of my bed instead of getting me the bedpan I had asked for? Will you be the one who refused to admit me, bleeding heavily and screaming, to ER until my husband had filled out forms?

Will you be the amazing midwife sonographer who supported me through multiple pregnancy losses and successful pregnancies, made time to talk in the waiting room, minimised the delay and wait for scans, and provided tissues when it was all too much? Will you be the comforting midwife who always made time to listen and explain when I didn’t understand the printout from the DAU during my exhausting last pregnancy and just COULDN’T leave the hospital before I knew whether my son was okay? Will you be the caring midwife who understood why I was distraught that I had been assigned to be seen by a junior instead of my consultant at a key stage in my subsequent pregnancy, and arranged a better appointment for me? Will you be the home-visit midwife who held me while I cried when she visited me to check my blood pressure after my son died, and made special trips to come and see me, taking her time to sign me off until she was sure that I could get through a day? Will you be the labour midwife who stayed by my side during my entire 7 hour labour with the boy who would never cry, open his eyes, or smile, helped my husband dress him, and took his precious pictures and handprints? Will you be one of the midwives who visited my other son in NICU when he arrived early and I was in recovery, taking personal delight in sharing a happy end to my story?

This week, as a midwife or a healthcare professional looking after pregnant women you cannot choose not to deal with these situations, in the same way that I and my fellow women have no choice but to endure them. You can, however, choose how to deal with them, and how you are remembered afterwards. What will you choose?

For some stats on Baby Loss watch this.

For more information click here.