5 years - a sensitive post!

Today it's been 5 years since my brother lost his fight against the brain tumour in his head. The night before I had been so happy, his son had been born on the Saturday and whilst he hadn't been well enough to be there, we were hoping that his wife and son would be home on the Monday and he'd meet his son. However in the early hours of Monday 8th May 2006, he slipped away peacefully in his sleep. Whilst he never did get to hold his son, he did at least know that he had been born and that had made him happy. Losing my brother changed me - in ways I can't really explain, all I know is, I am different to the person I was before he died.

This week a friend of mine had her life changed forever in one of the cruelest possible ways. Her son William, who was soon to be 3, didn't wake up. He hadn't been ill, though he'd been under investigations as it was thought he had epilepsy. They'd been on holiday and the day before they'd spent the day at the beach and he had thoroughly enjoyed playing in the sand, and chasing a beach ball. It is wonderful that his last day was so happy and carefree with his parents and older sister, and I am sure that those memories will bring comfort as well as pain in the days, weeks and years ahead.

I know William's mum, through an online community. Some people might fight it strange that I keep sobbing for William...after all I never met him. I have met his Mum but never his Dad or older sister. However the nature of the online community means it felt like I knew him, like I knew him almost as well as I knew my "real life" friends. I know I'm not alone in feeling like this - the whole community has been shocked. Many of us have children of similar ages, we've debated the SIDS guidelines, the appropriate weaning foods, breastfeeding, co-sleeping etc. It's seems trite to say it, but things like this don't happen to people you know but unfortunately that's just not true. Many members of the online community are buying and planting Sweet William, in his memory. A memory that should always be kept alive.

This week I have had times where I got cross with one of the girls for leaning on me, for not leaving me alone, for not going to sleep when they should, for not getting dressed quickly enough. I have worried about money and stressed over housework. When I read the news from my friend on Friday, all I wanted to do was gather the girls in my arms. I know I am not alone, in checking more frequently on the girls when they are sleeping. Life was thrown into perspective in a very harsh way.

I can't help William's Mum and family, I can't ease their pain. I can't begin to understand how they feel at the moment, though some feelings might be familiar to me, grief is different for everyone. Today I shall be spending time with my parents and my sister, and with our children. We will be lighting a candle for David, my brother and I shall light a candle for William. Take a moment today, to appreciate what you have - give someone a hug, tell someone you love them, smile.

RIP William, you will be missed x

Tagged!

I've been tagged on Twitter by @naomiwinters_  to answer a few questions! I do like a challenge so here we go! I have been tagged to complete the sentences below and to tag 5 fellow bloggers who I would like to see do the same.

I am.....thinking about my brother today. Today should be his birthday....he would have been 37 and that feels very strange. In case you haven't read some of my other posts but I lost my brother almost 5 years ago to a brain tumour. When I meet new people and they ask if I have brothers or sisters, I hesitate. I don't want to not mention him, but I know the reaction I'll get when I say I have a brother that died. Anyway today I spent the day with my Mum, Dad and sister - we had lunch and enjoyed spending the time together. We certainly didn't sit around and cry or get sad, he wouldn't have wanted that, he didn't like a fuss.

The bravest thing I have ever done is.... taken antidepressants. Or potentially I guess it was the first trip to the doctors to admit I was struggling with life. Depression is a very lonely experience and for me it felt ridiculous that I could be depressed. I was a coper, I was an optimist, things didn't get me down so how could it be that I was depressed. However the reality was that I thought my family would be better off without me - not that I was suicidal, but that I shouldn't be in their lives as I was clearly bad luck and they'd be better off with someone else. Looking back I can see how ridiculous that was, but at the time I completely believed it. I was lucky that I had good friends who helped me to see that I needed some help; they encouraged me to approach my doctors for advice which thankfully I did. It takes a far braver person to admit they need help, than to do something on your own, in my humble opinion.

I feel prettiest when.... well now I don't have great self confidence in my looks. I don't think I'm pretty. However I guess I felt at my prettiest on my wedding day and my husband always tells me I look beautiful; whilst I don't believe him, I appreciate he believes it and that means far more than anything to me.

Something that keeps me up at night is.....well it doesn't take much to keep me up at night because I am a night owl and a bit of an insomniac. It's far harder to get me up in the morning. Whenever I am worried I do tend to suffer more with the insomnia.

My favourite meal is.....my Mum's roast lamb with all the trimmings followed by rhubarb or apple crumble with custard....and that has to be runny custard not the thick stuff you can stand a spoon up in.

The way to my heart is....through being a genuine, honest, kind and big hearted person.

I would like to be.....a Midwife but I guess you knew that.

So five bloggers I'd like to see join in are
https://copperhobnob.wordpress.com/

http://generationwhynot-stupidgirl.blogspot.com/

http://www.totallylaurasummers.com/

http://snipsnaphappy.blogspot.com/

http://www.bushbb.com/

I look forward to reading yours!

Oh and here is a link to Naomi's
http://www.naomiwinters.com/?p=34

Passion and fear

This week I have witnessed two ventouse deliveries - this is where a suction cap is attached to the baby's head and as the woman pushes, the doctor pulls which helps the baby to be delivered. There are various reasons why a ventouse delivery might be deemed necessary - maternal exhaustion, prolonged 2nd stage (the pushing stage), fetal distress, amongst others.

Of the two ventouse births I witnessed, one was due to slow progress in the 2nd stage and the other was due to fetal distress. I can't really share too much information about the deliveries themselves due to confidentiality but in the event of the fetal distress, my heart was in my mouth and I felt very emotional when the baby was safely delivered. I'd helped to care for the couple all shift and learnt quite a lot about their journey so far, and therefore I found it mattered a lot to me, my part in their story. I was really pleased to be able to see them again the next day. 

I now have 5 deliveries to my name, three of which you already know about in my last post Not one but three. I've been lucky to work with a brilliant team and I feel like I have learnt loads in just the last week. Four out of my five deliveries were in the semi-recumbent position but the fifth (actually fourth but this could get confusing) was on all fours.....it was brilliant to get my head round exactly where I was putting my hands, and to have a different perspective - however I have got to say....it's far messier. My final delivery of the week was lovely and controlled and as a first baby, my mentor had loads of time to point things out to me as the baby progressed. 

This week I am onto day shift and I think I will experience very different shifts to the night ones - there will be far more postnatal checks that need to be done than there are in the night time but there are also generally more staff. It will be really interesting to see the difference though of course I am hoping for a couple more deliveries and moving towards becoming more autonomous. I shall be investing in a book where I can keep a record of all my own deliveries as I am sure I will want to look back on them all one day. 

One thing that has struck me this week is the value of good support. I have been told how lucky I am to be able to witness birth and I agree I am lucky. However I am also lucky to witness the amazing roller coaster of emotions during labour and the special bond between the woman and her birth partner.  I have seen the love, the fear, the hope and the excitement all in the eyes of the birth partner as well as the woman. With the couple whose baby was in fetal distress, I witnessed the pure joy on the face of the mother, that the time had arrived to meet her baby, which was contradicted by the absolute fear in her partner's face as he could see the slowing heart beat and the number of people suddenly in the room. Not for one moment did he let his wife know just how worried we all were, but he continued to support her, to encourage her and be by her side the whole time. And then once the baby was born, I continued to watch that amazing bond between them, the continued joy and amazement on her face, and the relief and joy on his. You tell me I am lucky - I wholeheartedly agree and  no matter how lucky you think I am, I know I am 20 times more lucky than that. 

3 babies

Two weeks off for Christmas and some time to indulge in my hobbies. One of the first things I did was to photograph my friends babies....something I'd been looking forward to all year. Despite there being a month between my friends due dates, the babies actually arrived 9 days apart. 

First born was Alice - born at home as planned on the 25th November. 

Then came Siena on the 30th November - who was born by Caesarean Section, not quite as originally planned as Mum had hoped for a VBAC at home. However as her amniotic fluid began to leak at 34 weeks, it was decided that the safest option was a planned Caesarean. 

And finally came Sam's baby, who arrived in hospital on the 4th December. I think the world of Facebook held it's breath awaiting the arrival. All of Sam's friends knew that Sam was in labour. We'd witnessed the snow updates, and the worries about whether or not a midwife would make it to her house for the homebirth she had planned. We then witnessed the updates about her contractions beginning and then her leaving to go to the hospital. I've talked about Sam in a previous post and how she lost her first son Malachi. Sam was desperate to have a little boy, and we were all praying for a little boy for her.  When her updates went quiet, we knew that there was a good chance that the baby had been born. Finally the update that we had all been waiting for....her family was complete and baby Bauer had been born. As it turned out, being in hospital rather than at home, had been the very best thing for them. 

Two days before Christmas I took the opportunity to photograph the three of them together and I felt so very very lucky.